27 de nov. 2009

Diari de la Dominació Mundial (2)

Un dels problemes derivats de voler governar amb ma de ferro el món és que has de seguir un horari. Horaris de fer coses avorrides i molestes. Abdominals, flexions, cinta... tot sigui per intentar arreglar la debàcle que tota una vida hipercalòrica havia provocat en mi. Naturalment, també vaig haver de substituir la meva habitual dieta rica en nocilla per una altra terriblement insípida però, això sí, saludable com l’híbrid d’un api i una carxofa. Afortunadament però, i després de forces mesos, va arribar el dia: vaig perdre la papada. Ho sabeu perquè ho celebrem el 23 de març i és festa imperial.

Molts us estareu preguntat perquè estava tan capficat en la meva intenció d’esculpir el meu cos. És una molt bona pregunta ja que, a primer cop d’ull, no sembla respondre a cap tipus de lògica.

Un ràpid repàs a les personalitats històriques que han tingut parcel·les de poder significatives (Napoleó, Hitler, Mussolini...), ens deixa amb incomptables exemplars humans mediocres físicament que aconsegueixen èxits notables en el camp de la dominació. Val a dir que tots aquests cabrons amb sort jugaven amb una carta que jo no podia ni tan sols somniar: vivien en mons convulsos i violents. En aquestes condicions, amb una retòrica adequada i un encès carisma es poden fer miracles.

Jo no podia fer servir res d’això. Per molt bon orador que fos (que ho era) no podia convèncer a cap dels meus conciutadans de panxa plena perquè m’obeís. No m’adaptava al model estàndard de persona convincent, d’èxit. En definitiva, en aquests temps de pau, m’havia de cenyir als cànons habituals per destacar: la presència física, entesa en un sentit general.

Quan parlo de presència física, i com ja deureu suposar, no m’estic pas referint a la força muscular. Posar-me fort per poder dominar a cop de puny no era una via amb gaire futur. Per molta força que tingués sempre hi hauria algú més fort que jo, amb una arma de foc o una tralla nuclear. S'agraeix poder trencar algún ós de tant en tant, sí. De fet, enyoro el soroll d’aquelles tíbies al trencar-se però, un líder ha de saber abstreure's dels plaers de l'existència.

Centrant-nos en el tema altra vegada, és evident que la força i un cos escultural, en sec, no em servien per a res. Però si aquesta acabada d’estrenar presència física la combinem amb una gran oratòria, senyores i senyors, tenim màgia.. Així va ser com em vaig convertir en una persona encantadora, popular i adorada entre el jovent postadolescent de la meva ciutat natal. El vell noi gras sense carisma havia mort i de les seves cendres n’havia renascut un tio guai amb el prepuci encastat amb diamants.

Ara, estimat lector, en la vostra ment estareu intentant establir relacions. Què n’aconseguia jo de la meva nova popularitat, a part de quantitats considerables de sexe esporàdic, que em pogués servir per dominar el planeta? A on vull anar a parar? La resposta és senzilla. Qualsevol pla de dominació mundial inclourà sempre grans quantitats de diners. És una condició indispensable. Com lligar-ho tot llavors? Els diners i el meu nou jo, guapo, interessant, intel·lectualoide, simpàtic i ocurrent, supurant aquella sensació d’estar sempre immers en projectes interessants i, finalment, amb una permanent barba de dos dies?

La resposta no és òbvia, ho he de reconèixer. Vaig passar formar part d’un dels gremis professionals més despreciables que s’ha establert mai al planeta: marxant d’art contemporani. I això per molt sorprenent que pugui semblar, combinat amb alguna herència procedent de l’amabilitat d’alguna dama de més de 40 amb baixa autoestima i adicta al Valium, em va permetre obtenir el meu primer bon grapat de diners.

Sí, vaig néixer sense escrúpols, no és pas cap secret.

Van ser moments realment molt divertits - l'etapa rosa del líder - i que trobo a faltar, no ho negaré pas. Viatges a Budapest, coca, les targetes VIP... temps molt entretinguts, que duraren poc, ja que jo m'havia de cenyir al meu pla. Però, l'etapa rosa també tenia inconvenients: les ingents hordes de pedants i gent superficial que havia de tractar per feina eren molt molestes. Per això vaig instaurar el dia de festa imperial de “disparem al crític d’art”, pels vells comptes pendents.

Per acabar, i tornant al tema original, jo havia de seguit uns horaris estrictes i fer coses avorrides. Això implicava anar a classe de rus cada dia de 7 a 8 de la tarda. I això, a la llarga, acabaria essent més important que ser marxant d'art contemporani.

95 comentaris:

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No puc esperar a veure com continua, vaig prenent notes, però em sembla que vaig tard per idear el meu propi pla. Però passar pel gimnàs tampoc no em faria cap mal...

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Quines ganes de dominar el mòn! vol dir que això no es un punt de inmaduresa i símtoma preadolescent??? amb lo bé que s'està ignorant la vida aliena i la absència de responsabilitats llegint els blogs de persones com vostè a l'escriptori de casa...

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Laura, el rus mola. A més, et permet no consumir calamar sec encara que et vulguin enganyar amb embolcalls divertits i simpàtics.

XeXu, mai és tard per un cos escultural. Mira l'Aznar.

Dima, punt d'immaduresa? Pel que respecta al protagonista del text, doncs sí, molt probablement. En el meu cas personal, doncs també. Pensa que tinc un blog i escric a vegades coses sobre ninjes.

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